A couple of months ago, a husband and wife team opened a tea house just off of State Street. I'd heard about it being really fun and had been meaning to go, but I hadn't been presented with an ideal opportunity until this afternoon.
I'll return to that in a moment, but I think for the sake of today's story I should talk about recent events first. This week I've been feeling good. All of the pieces I submitted in my application for this semester's BFA show were accepted, which is absolutely GREAT news for me. I felt I was emerging from a rut I've been in for a few weeks, mainly fueled by my total and perpetual state of exhaustion.
This morning I got into my painting course and started setting up my stuff next to my friends Sasha a Scott. Painting is my least favorite class this semester, ranking even below my Physics class. It's required and I'm TERRIBLE at it. I'm terrible at physics too, but at least I don't have to submit my physics homework for general review by all of my peers and defend it every week. I'm bad with paint, I don't understand how painting works and I'm used to being GOOD at line control in my drawings. The class has been overall a demoralizing experience and has really contributed to my general unhappiness this semester.
Like I said, I was actually feeling all right as I set up my stuff. The project we're currently working on in painting actually interests me and I don't feel like I'm sucking too bad. At this point my TA came up to me and asked me to move my stuff away from my friends, as she feels we've been socializing too much in class.
Now, wait just a minute.
One of the GREAT things about art classes is the relaxed feel. Work days are enjoyable because it's a group of people hanging out, making art, and chatting about things. It's relaxed, it's fun, and conversation is one of the few things preventing me from stabbing my eyes out in painting. So, I make the huge mistake of respectfully arguing that it's probably not in my best interests to be sent to the corner to hate myself alone, and that conversation is really beneficial.
I then was taken into the office like some elementary school kid on step 3 and balled out about how bad my work has been, how poor my behavior was, and how she is considering not writing me a recommendation letter because of this. Let's get a couple things straight: 1) While I do talk, I don't go over the line. I'm conversational, I'm friendly and I don't bad mouth people. I chat with other people in class because, as I said, it makes things nice. I'm NOT alone in this. 2) My work has sucked, but I have been trying. I've nearly been in tears the past two critiques, and despite the fact that I have 35 hours of work a week and 4 other classes, I've been coming in on the weekends to work on these projects, even though I HATE them. I've honestly been trying to listen to her criticisms. 3) This TA has had me in 3 other classes before this one. She has never said anything negative about me or my work before, in fact she has openly praised me in class and used my work as examples to other students. I've been to her house to do matting. It's not like we're not close.
So. She balled me out, said that I was acting "high school-ish" (what does that even MEAN?)and that I needed to take my work more seriously. I don't know how nearly bursting into tears in critique isn't considered serious, but there that is. This was a pretty big slap in my face, and I moved away from my friends to spend the class contemplating my inadequacies and pretty much feeling worthless and shitty. I don't mean to be melodramatic, but I really work hard to make well executed, interesting pieces. To be told that I obviously wasn't trying and then have my character attacked was pretty harsh. I'll be working harder in the class in the future, but mostly I'm just... tired. I really don't have a good way to express how it feels, but it does feel pretty bad.
After class I went to the wood shop to make canvas stretchers with a couple other students (I had to take off work to do this) for our next painting project. The wood for this cost me over 20 bucks, let alone the 5 hour shift of work I missed to make these things. I'm obviously a total slacker.
When I finished that, I was on my way home generally hating myself when I remembered the tea house. I thought that a tea house was exactly the sort of place I should go to try and shake off the overwhelming sense of negativity I'd been doused in, so I went there instead of home. It was absolutely great- a Japanese style tea house together with shoe-free compartments and a menu of teas that was an inch thick. I had some hummus and a pot of green tea and thought happy thoughts for about an hour. It really helped... I just keep telling myself that all I can do is my best, not everyone will always be happy with who I am. You simply cannot win them all, and sometimes you don't get the luxury of locking yourself in your room and crying like a baby- you just have to take the slap in the face and keep going.
I don't have time to let those things hurt me. All I can do is get to the end of the semester, and I'm going to do that, even if I die shortly afterward.
I can't pretend though... it still hurts. Everything in art is so personal. I don't get why people can't relax.